Your Love is Pushing me So Far: Letters from Nanda Parbat
by SailorSlayer3641
Summary: Felicity's world is changing and she's finally losing hope. After she breaks down in the foundry, she unexpectedly finds a letter from a certain someone. Maybe not all hope is lost. AN:Second installment is up.Felicity comes home from a long day of work, only to discover another letter sealed with wax. Her emotions overwhelm her as she reads Oliver's final words to her
1. Chapter 1

**Your Love is Pushing me So Far: Letters from Nanda Parbat**

Her world was changing again, and Felicity's soul was gripping so tight, trying to hold on to her resolve. It was like being on one of those carnival rides that spin you outward, like a planet about to ricochet out of orbit.

The world was spinning madly on, and she was just trying to remember to breathe.

Her hands, with chipped black nails, gripped the cold metal of Oliver's work chair in the abandoned foundry, and she let go of her resolve.

She wept, and she cried big ugly sobs. Her chest burned as she gasped for air, the onset of a panic attack setting in.

She closed her eyes from the destruction around her, trying to rein in her emotions. It was no use. This had been building for nearly eight months. Eight months of blow after blow to her friends, her family. She had remained steady through most of it, even when they thought that Oliver had died on that mountain. At least then she knew his soul was at peace, finally at rest.

But now, now she had no such silver linings to cling to. Oliver's soul was stuck, locked away in a shell like some twisted form of purgatory.

If his soul was lost, what did that make of hers?

Three weeks ago her own lost soul had finally found a home. It was intertwined with is, just as their bodies were that beautiful candlelit night.

And now? Now it was broken, searching for its mate lost amongst the wills of a mad man.

Her body was shaking now, as it tried to deal with the rush of excess oxygen it was receiving, her large gulps of air only making the panic attack worse.

She let go of the chair, allowing her body to slide to the cold concrete floor. She braced herself on her hands and knees, her head tucked down, forcing the oxygen to move slower, dispersing some of the clouds and buzzing from her head.

When she felt she had some semblance of control, she crawled the few paces to Oliver's bed, seeking out its comfort one last time. She pointedly ignored the small clumps of potting soil in her path.

She collapsed on the bed in a heap, exhaustion often accompanied with such cathartic crying settling in.

As she nuzzled in to his pillow, silent tears made their way down her nose, dropping onto the soft fabric that barely smelled like him.

She stared off into the darkness of her broken home, flashes of happy times dancing across her vision. She daydreamed for who knows how long, and maybe even dozed off a time or two.

Gathering her remaining strength, she pulled herself away, forcing herself to leave her only source of comfort and fulfillment for the past three years.

Just like Oliver's soul, that life was gone now, and Felicity had better get used to it.

Birds were beginning to chirp as Felicity trudged up the steps of her building, dawn barely on the horizon. She fulfilled the unconscious acts of checking her mail box and stuffing the neighbor's mail into their door before she moved to unlock her own.

Closing the door behind her, Felicity rolled her shoulders in a vain attempt of relieving the stress and melancholy settling in to her bones.

Dropping her keys and mail on her kitchen island, she made a beeline for her bathroom, washing her face of yesterday's grime. Slipping in to her pajamas, she made her way back to the kitchen, quickly filling a glass with red wine. Time of day be damned, she had to get some sleep, and that wasn't possible without a little bit of chemical persuasion.

She rested one hand against her kitchen island while she sipped idly from the other, her gaze wondering around, looking at nothing in particular.

Her vacant thoughts were interrupted by a splotch of red peeking out from under the pile of mail. It was a candle wax stamp from days past meant to seal a letter.

Her heart raced as she realized there was an arrowhead indention in the red wax. She shakily reached out for the letter, afraid of the million things it could be, but desperate for only one.

She pried the wax from the parchment paper and slowly unfolded the crème colored letter.

Bright red letters, words, and sentences filled her vision, and tears stung her eyes as she took in the handwriting of her soulmate.

She grabbed the bottle of wine, forgoing the glass, and headed to her cozy arm chair, wrapping herself up in an afghan.

Several gulps of wine later, she began to read.

_My girl, my Felicity,_

_I've never written a love letter before. I've never been in love before, not like this, and I'm learning that when you love someone the way I love you, you want to share everything with them, no matter how inconsequential or life altering it is._

_Forgive me if I don't find the right words, but if there was ever someone who could interpret their meaning, it would be you._

_I was moved by you Felicity. Not just by making love to you, but by the words you gave to me, the sincerity in your eyes. I knew then that I could no longer keep you at arm's length. You pulled out a piece of my soul, dusted it off, and let the light shine down on it._

_One night with you Felicity gave me something I haven't had in eight years. Hope. Hope for a way out of this mess, hope for a chance to tell you countless stories of my time away from Starling, hope for a chance to take you for a scenic ride down a highway into a sunset, hope for a future._

_I'll never forgive myself for all the time wasted pushing you away. I know you would be chiding me already, telling me that the steps we took were necessary, that there's an order and reason behind all of the madness in our lives._

_And that's the thing Felicity. This is the thing you NEED to know._

_Even when you're not here, even when your soft voice isn't in my ear, or your gentle touch isn't on my arm, your soul is guiding mine, illuminating a path._

_Your love is pushing me, pushing me so hard to accept the little bit of light still left in me, and it is SO strong, your love. I can feel it coursing through my veins, reaching every inch of my body._

_And you need to know that Felicity, you NEED to understand that you've branded me, my heart and my soul. _

_There's no going back. There's no undoing it. There's no force, no man, no drug that can mar that brand on me._

_Ra's is going to try. He's going to make me do unspeakable things. He is going to try and break me like so many have before. But I've never loved someone the way I love you. I've never known the strength that comes with loving someone with all of my being, and it will be Ra's' undoing._

_Ra's has just started his training with me, the conditioning to become his heir. He's using mind altering drugs not unlike vertigo, and I had to write this and send it off to you before he pulls me in too deep. I'm not even sure if this will make it to you, but I had to try._

_I told you before you left not to give up hope for happiness, and I'm telling you that again._

_I will FIGHT Felicity. I will fight tooth and nail to come back to you. Everything I do, every concise decision I make will be one step closer to making my way back to you. Please don't forget that. Any actions I take, any pain I cause, it will all be to ensure our future._

_Ra's will test me. He will test my resolve. He will test my allegiance to the League. He will do everything in his power to snuff out Oliver Queen._

_As long as you love me, as long as it's your voice in my head guiding me, Oliver Queen will never die. The man you love will never die, and my soul will never be lost._

_I love you, Felicity, and I will see you again. I will hear your voice again. I will feel your touch again. And we will build a life together._

_I'll be seeing you soon,_

_Your Oliver_

Taking a deep breath, Felicity felt the vice on her heart start to loosen. His words were the life preserver she had been grasping for in the deep waters of despair.

Her head was finally above water. Her beautiful Oliver had reignited her convictions when she needed it the most.

Bright streams of light started to filter in through her bay window, illuminating the saving grace of a letter, tear drops visible in the blurred, red ink.

Red. Their color.

Some time later, after Felicity watched the sun rise, and after she had taken a warm bath, she finally crawled into bed.

A soft smile graced her features as she drifted off into a peaceful slumber, her bright red nails clutching his letter close.


	2. Please Forgive Me

Here's the second installment of my Letters from Nanda Parbat series. It deals with Oliver's decision to sacrifice himself once again in order to defeat Ra's.

It's meant to be an emotional ride, and I hope angst, anger, and ultimate happiness makes it way through to you.

Happy Reading! (p.s. I own nothing)

**Please Forgive Me: **_**Letters from Nanda Parbat**_

Felicity was bone tired. Each time she picked up her sensibly ballet flat covered foot to make her way up the stairs to her townhouse, it was like lifting cinder blocks. Each step she took was a feet in and of itself. The sky was a light violet, signifying that the sun had just set. Felicity had been at the office all day, bouncing between board meetings and looking over specs on their latest project. Felicity knew that fatigue was etched across her face, skin pale and hair askew.

Reaching the landing in front of her door, Felicity paused to catch her breath, leaning against the heavy wood barrier before she jiggled her keys in the lock. Stepping through the threshold, stale air assaulted her senses, evidence that no one had been home all day, or much at all lately. Felicity had been clocking in a lot of hours at work, and her apartment was starting to feel less like a home and more like a place she visited from time to time.

Tossing her belongings to the side, she peeled off her coat, not bothering to hang it up as it found its place draped across her arm chair.

With a small groan, Felicity tasked herself with her routine check of the mail. Flipping through one piece of wasted paper after another, Felicity stopped mid-shuffle, almost passing up the familiar crème paper with a dark red arrowhead stamp on it. She blinked in shock, surprised that he had found the time to write another letter.

Setting the letter down, she made her way to her kettle, filling it with water and flicking on the dial to the gas stove, waiting for the pilot to set the burner ablaze. Felicity patiently waited, a single red polished finger tapping against the letter. The kettle rattled and steamed, drawing Felicity out of her daydream. She poured her water over the waiting chamomile tea bag, and just like last time she wrapped herself up in her afghan, plopping down in her arm chair. Drawing in a gulp of tea, Felicity started to read.

_My girl Felicity,_

_By now, you know the extremes I've had to go through to ensure Ra's' faith in me. It's another awful, unforgiveable thing I've had to do in the past eight years. I'll never be able to face Dig. I hurt my brother in a way I know I'd never be able to forgive someone. He's such a good man, a man far too honorable and kind to ever have to be put through all that I've done to him in three years. _

_I'm afraid to say that, after you read this, you may never forgive me either._

_Ra's is dead set on destroying Starling City, and he's going to make me do it. We're taking a plane and flying over Starling to release a deadly bio-weapon, capable of wiping out the whole city._

_I HAVE NO INTENTION OF LETTING THAT PLANE MAKE IT TO STARLING._

_I'll be employing whatever means necessary to take that plane down, and yes, that means me included. You know my track record. You know I can't let so many die. I am no longer the Arrow or Oliver Queen the man, but at least I can do this. At least I can still save my city one last time._

_My only regret is that I'm breaking my promise to you. I told you I would find a way back to you, but now I know fate will be keeping us apart far longer than I had hoped, at least until your eighties when you pass, surrounded by all the friends and family I know you'll have. Maybe then we can be together again, if I'm lucky enough to find a place in your heaven. Every night I dream of a life where you and I drive away from the chaos, losing ourselves in each other, wherever the road takes us. If I'm granted peace, I hope that will be mine._

_I want you to know, I'm not a suicidal man. I know that it may seem that way given the choices I've made, but I'm not. It's just that, this is the only way I know how to fight. I have to fight for everyone else's survival. I can't let Ra's take away so many bright futures, especially when mine is questionable and uncertain. I've always known that I would die fighting, but I no longer believe that I'll be dying alone._

_How can I die alone, when you'll be in my heart, burned on my soul? Three years of friendship, one blown up date, and one night in your arms will be enough for me. It'll be enough to carry me to the other side, enough to comfort me as I sabotage the plane. So no, I won't be dying alone, a smile will be on my face, and your memory on my heart._

_I know you shouldn't, but I have to ask anyway._

_Please forgive me?_

_I had so many plans Felicity. So many dreams of a life with you. I planned on getting on my knees, clasping your hands in mine as I tried to convince you to marry me. I had plans of building a cradle, watching your stomach grow with our child. Oh so many plans for our happy story._

_Don't stop planning Felicity. Like I told you in Nanda Parbat, don't give up on your happiness._

_I'll be seeing you,_

_Your Oliver_

Sobs racked through Felicity's body, her form shaking as she clutched the letter in her hand, crumpling it slightly as she curled in on herself, her head tucking in to the side of the arm chair.

After several minutes, her tears subsided, an anger starting to bubble up to the surface.

Just then, Felicity heard the door knob jiggle, her body tensing, preparing herself for what was coming.

She felt his presence make its way in to the dark room where Felicity hadn't bothered turning on a light before she had sat down. He halted in front of her, and he heard him take in a long breath followed by a murmured "shit" and a long sigh.

He leaned across her, twisting on the lamp, flooding the room in a soft glow. He took in her appearance, the puffy eyes, tear tracks down her face, and a simmering fire in her gaze.

Kneeling in front of her, he carefully pulled the crumpled letter from her grasp, setting it aside before he covered her small hands with his large ones.

"Felicity…" He started, unsure.

"No. Do not 'Felicity' me." She said as she pulled her hands away and folded her arms under her chest.

"I..um…I'm sorry that I didn't know how to fight to live." His voice breaking slightly, head held in shame.

Felicity jerked her gaze to the sullen form kneeling before her, the anger dissipating swiftly, empathy taking its place.

"Oh Oliver." She whispered, cupping his face, forcing him to look at her.

"You know I forgave you months ago. Just with everything going on…reading that just brought all those dark memories to the surface." She said reassuringly.

"Why were you just now reading it?" Oliver asked, curious as to how she had only just now come across it.

"I've been going through bits of all my accumulated mail I received over our five months away. Each day I go through a small pile. We've been back a week, and that was in the last stack." She clarified, sniffling her nose and rubbing at the remaining tears on her face.

He leaned his head on her lap, sighing in content as her fingers brushed across his scalp soothingly. He mumbled in to her skin.

"You know, I should be the one comforting you after the long week you've had."

Felicity giggled, allowing herself to remember that they were together now, that he wouldn't be leaving her anytime soon.

"It's a two way street you know, this non-platonic partnership we've formed. We're allowed to give and take as needed." She assured him.

"Even still, "He started, pulling himself up to stand in front of her, holding his hand out for her to take.

"Let me run you a warm bath, light some scented candles. You need it."

Felicity complied, taking his hand and pulling him in for a long comforting embrace before letting him lead her to the bathroom.

Felicity's arms stretched above her, trying to relieve the tightness in her muscles before she started toeing off her shoes. As she continued to undress, she watched Oliver roll up his sleeve to his forearm, reaching in to test the water filling up the claw foot tub. She couldn't help but get distracted by his tanned arm on display, the magical effect of a rolled up sleeve still a mystery to her.

As he finished up the finishing touches on her bubble bath, he looked up and stopped in his tracks. Flames from the candles flickered across the room, lighting her skin aglow.

He gulped and tried to tamper down his own desire as he watched her rosy nipples harden under his gaze.

"You're breathtaking." He breathed out, meeting her lustful gaze, the air thick and warm from the hot bath.

Felicity immediately looked down in shyness and uncertainty, a common occurrence as of late.

Without commenting, he took her hand, helping her in to the porcelain tub. The water sloshed as she relaxed against the back of the tub, a deep sigh escaping her lips.

"There you go baby." Oliver said as he kneeled behind the tub, settling his hands on her shoulders.

"Ooohhh, that feels like heaven." She mewled, the tension of the day starting to leave her body as he massaged her knotted shoulders.

Felicity sucked in a breath when she felt Oliver's stubble against her neck, his soft words caressing her ear.

"I bet I can make you feel even better."

Goosebumps rose across her skin, a fire igniting at his words. Her libido had been unbridled as of late. The simplest touch, a glance across the room, a peek at a tanned forearm was all it took to make her desire pool in her abdomen.

His knowing hands didn't wait for her verbal approval, her soft whimper was encouragement enough.

The warm soapy water rippled in the wake of his hand as his strong arm disappeared below the surface, his fingers seeking out her supple breast. Her back arched instantly in to his touch, her nipples tingling, desperate for contact.

Oliver shifted, positioning himself alongside the tub, allowing one arm to reach her stomach while his other hand tweaked her nipple.

His hand ghosted across her swollen abdomen, the reason for her extreme fatigue and enhanced libido, growing inside.

"I'm so lucky." He murmured as he continued to cherish her expanding body.

"We both are." Felicity corrected as she keened under his sure hands and sweet words.

Her own hand sought out her other breast, tender from its changing size. She eased away the ache in the engorged nipple. Pleasure hummed through her skin, her orgasm building swiftly, every inch of her skin receptive to every graze and stroke of Oliver's hand.

A single finger dipped in to her folds, finding them puckered and swollen from excitement. She felt like velvet against his calloused hand.

He swirled against her swollen clit and watched as her mouth opened in a silent cry of pleasure. Her orgasm passing through her in gentle waves, not unexpected in her heightened state of arousal.

Every muscle and limb in her body relaxed, male pride thundering through Oliver's chest at the sight of the mother of his child, satiated and content.

He stared at her a long time, watching her float in the cooling waters. He could see all his plans come back to life, one already flourishing within her. It wouldn't be long before he was proposing, ticking off another dream from his list.

When he knew the water had cooled too much, and her fingers and toes were wrinkled, he broke her out of her state of bliss, offering to scoop her out with his arms.

"Don't be silly, Oliver. I'm not that tired." She joked lightly.

So he settled for holding her hand as she lifted herself from the tub, water rolling off her smooth skin.

Despite his best efforts, Oliver's thirst for her returned ten-fold. Maybe his own libido was enhanced by the primal image of her growing with his child. Either way, he was finding it harder and harder to resist having his way with her every time he saw her.

Giving in to temptation, he surprised her by lifting her into his arms anyways, and carrying her to their bed. He gently laid her down, her light form sinking into the pillow top mattress.

A beautiful smile spread across her face as he gazed down at her. He stood at the foot of the bed and rid himself of his damp clothing.

Love and lust surged through Felicity as she took in his hardened member, already swollen in need for her.

No words were uttered as Oliver covered her cool body with his warm one, surrounding her in comfort and tenderness.

Felicity felt treasured as his lips settled on her neck, one hand kneading a breast, the other guiding his member into her slick heat in one fluid motion.

They moaned in unison, relishing in their connection. He stroked her gently, slowly gliding in and out of her. She felt completely enveloped in his arms, completely filled by his manhood.

He leaned up to gaze down at her beautiful form. Her hands clutched at the bed sheets; her perky, rounded breasts bouncing with each thrust he made, her swollen stomach fully on display.

She arched in to his movements, her back bowing when she saw his dark lustful gaze roaming over her figure.

One of his hands went to her back, supporting it, arching her further into his touch. His other hand landed on her lower stomach, gliding north in reverence.

With her breasts on full display, he bent down, capturing a single nipple while he maintained his hold on her stomach and back.

Felicity cried out in ecstasy, his vigorous suckling igniting her orgasm. Oliver exploded in happiness as he felt her walls tighten around him, as he felt her achieve bliss under his loving touch.

Oliver's pace increased, thrusting in to her tight walls that were still milking him, trying to coax out his release.

He laid across her fully again, his arm now sliding under her shoulder, his hand wrapping in her damp hair. He feasted on her neck, sucking on all the right spots while he continued to stroke through her core, working her up to a third orgasm.

Felicity's legs wrapped around his waist, anchoring herself to his unrelenting ministrations.

For a moment, all they could hear was their heavy breathing, the soft, wet sound of his lips on her throat, the rhythmic sound of their bodies meeting.

Then out of nowhere, Felicity screamed, clamping down on his cock once again, big large waves of pleasure rolling through her.

Oliver cut her off with his mouth, swallowing the rest of her scream. His own grunt of satisfaction escaping into her mouth. She milked him once again, this time drawing out his seed.

He slowed his movement, as he finished spilling inside of her. Their foreheads rested together, both of them breathing shallowly, trying to catch their breath.

He brushed his nose against hers, soft words leaving his lips so close to hers.

"Thank you." He said, his eyes glistening with unshed tears.

"What did I do?" She questioned curiously.

"You never gave up on your plans, on your happiness."

Her hand caressed his face, her eyes drowning in his glistening pools of blue.

"And I never will." She assured him.

Oliver breathed in deep, his lips claiming hers once more, expressing all that he couldn't with words.

He left her momentarily, long enough to get a warm wash cloth. As he wiped her skin clean of their love-making, he spoke to her softly.

"You're my heaven, my peace Felicity. Both of you. I don't have to die to find it."

His words left her speechless. All she could do was pull him down to her, encouraging him to snuggle in to their warm blankets, her small form curling in to his larger one.

His hands raked through her hair, her fatigue settling back in to her satiated body.

"I was wrong." He said quietly, his nose nuzzling in to her hair.

"About what?" she replied dreamily.

"What I said, in the letter. The first date, the one night together, about it being enough. That wouldn't have been enough. I'll never get enough."

Felicity sighed, the only thing she could muster in response, a soft snore following it shortly.

Oliver cradled her head on his arm, his other secured across her waist, his hand splayed across her rounded stomach. He breathed her in, peace settling into his bones.

Then, he drifted off to sleep, holding his future in his hands.


End file.
